The Cooler King

Sun, 04 May 2008 15:43:02 GMT

Sorry about the lack of postage lately.   I have to really be in the mood to throw thoughts down, and I haven't been in that mood as of late.   Been running myself ragged at my new job, while getting FAR less pay than I was before.   My financial situation is pretty dire, but at least I have a roof over my head for the moment.   As long as I can continue to pay my rent, I'm cool, I think.

To top it all off, my father had another stroke this past week.   Went up to Washington Hospital Center to see him the other day; he's doing a lot better (they're keeping him for a bit, to keep an eye on him). Apparently, for 72hours after a stroke, there's a good chance another stroke will hit.   It doesn't help that my dad's heart is weird; one half pumps faster than the other half, and his blood is as thick as pudding and clots easily.   He's had two strokes in the last ten years, plus about ten transient ischemic attacks (TIA's), or 'mini-strokes').

Oh... and of course, I saw the Iron Man movie.   Will post my thoughts on that a little later, but for now, in the immortal words of Will Smith:

Oh, HELL yes!

Well, THIS Certainly Sucks!

Wed, 30 Jan 2008 01:05:22 GMT

Well, it had to happen sometime.

Friendly Cab, the St. Mary's County place where I've worked as a driver and dispatcher for the last 13 and a half years, is shutting its doors within two weeks. Business has been horrible for the last two years, and has only been getting worse and worse. We've all been sensing it, but I was just informed today that our last 'official' day of business will be Friday. I'm staying on for another week to do some accounting work, but after that, I don't know.

Anyone know of any decent job opportunities in the Maryland/DC/Virginia area for a 34-year old ex-cab dispatcher? Just curious...

I Pity The Fool!

Thu, 29 Nov 2007 00:31:11 GMT

Ganked from

aynne_witch

Movie Review: The Mist (2007); (3 1/2 out of 4 stars), rated R.

Wed, 28 Nov 2007 06:19:10 GMT

The Mist (aka Stephen King's The Mist) (2007), rated R. *** 1/2 out of ****. Directed by Frank Darabont.   Written by Darabont, based on the novella by Stephen King. Starring Thomas Jane, Marcia Gay Harden, Toby Jones, Frances Sternhagen, Laurie Holden, Andre Braugher, William Sadler, Jeffrey DeMunn, Alexa Davalos, Nathan Gamble, Chris Owen, Sam Witwer.

"Fear changes everything."

David Drayton (Jane) is a successful illustrator of movie posters. He's working on a poster for an upcoming film (one that should be amusingly familiar to Stephen King fans, what with the duster-bedecked gunslinger drawing his pistols) as a massive, unexplained storm, terrifying in its fury, rolls into his small town. The next morning, massive damage is revealed, and Drayton and his son head into town, along with their litigious neighbor Norton (the ever-reliable Braugher, who, to me, will always be the fiery Detective Pembleton from the late, lamented NBC series Homicide). At the local supermarket, they run into several other of the town's denizens, all wanting to get their groceries and supplies as well. Feisty old Mrs. Reppler (Sternhagen), new schoolteacher Amanda Dumfries (Holden), meek, unassuming assistant store manager Ollie (Jones), bagboy Norm (Owen), cashier Sally (Davalos), and town religious nut Mrs. Carmody (Harden) all make small talk of one type or another as they wait to be cashed out, the store's registers out along with the power.

Soon, though, a bloodstained Dan Miller (DeMunn) comes racing into the parking lot, screaming about things in the mist, just as the eponymous stuff rolls in like the wrath of God himself.    It soon becomes clear to most of the survivors that Dan is not crazy; he speaks the truth, and nervousness and fear begin to grow amongst the trapped townspeople, with Mrs. Carmody providing a constant stream of apocalyptic verbiage that does nothing but make everyone more and more scared.   Without even realizing it, people start to take sides:   those that KNOW that things slither in the mist, a group that thinks it's all a delusion, and Mrs. Carmody's initially small flock of true believers who seem to think that blood sacrifices are in order to appease a capricious and anngry God...

A little background here.   Stephen King was one of the many writers who got me through high school.   His style was so naturalistic to me, so laid back, that it seemed like he was telling the story just to me.   I devoured as many of his books as I could, starting with the first one I read, It. It wasn't until about a year after I read It that I discovered King's short story collections. Night Shift was the first, and I had a grand old time perusing its pages until my aunt bought me a copy of his next collection, Skeleton Crew. The first story in that big-ass book was a frightening novella, one that shaped my reading for years, called "The Mist". It took me all of three hours to tear through that story at a white-knuckle pace, hands trembling, and when it was over, I put the book down for three days, a giddy grin on my face the whole time. It was as if I had been sucker-punched.   It led me to other writers, including the great H.P. Lovecraft, but the power of that story always stuck with me. It was that good, and even at the time, I thought it would have made a wonderful movie. King's amply descriptive writing set the stage for me, and I could see the movie in my head as I read it.

Now, more than twenty years later, King aficionado Frank Darabont (who also scripted and directed King adaptations The Shawshank Redemption and The Green Mile) has given us the movie version of The Mist, and it's killer.   Like his earlier adaptations, for the most part, Darabont stays true to the source material. He seems to 'get' King, in a way that few other directors (even people like Stanley Kubrick) possibly could, and in that faithfulness, he delivers an amazing movie.   Some of the scenes played out exactly as I imagined them, all those years ago when I first read it.   It's a strange experience, to be watching a movie and to realize that your own imaginary version of events is playing up there onscreen!   For instance, the trip to the pharmacy, a key scene in the novella, is perfectly realized here. The whole time, I knew what was going to happen (thanks to my knowledge of the story), but even when the inevitable occurred, I jumped. The lack of 'scare' or 'boo' music helped that immensely, as you couldn't tell quite when you were supposed to be scared. The shocks were far more effective that way.

In any case, it works, and a big part of that is due to the stellar cast Darabont has assembled.   From tough-guy Jane (The Punisher and the unfortunately horrible adaptation of King's Dreamcatcher), who plays the frustrations and fears of an average guy well, to the shrill, obsessed, and yet eerily vulnerable and human performance by Harden (Pollock, Mystic River) as the power-hungry hellfire and brimstone-quoting Mrs. Carmody, everyone in the movie is humanized and given ample opportunity to flesh out their characters.   A personal favorite is Toby Jones' quiet performance as the outwardly geeky, but self-effacingly noble and heroic Ollie, who provides many of the movie's best moments, while King veterans Sternhagen (Misery), DeMunn (The Green Mile) and Sadler (The Shawshank Redemption) all do well with their necessarily limited roles.   The creature design, as well, is amazing, thanks to the talented Bernie Wrightson. The creatures are horrific and induce much crawling of skin, and I would advise potential viewers with arachnophobia to consider themselves duly forewarned.   My only problem is that some of the CGI isn't quite up to snuff, but just seeing the creatures in all their glory is enough to bring a smile to my face. I think I detected a little touch of that old Outer Limits episode "The Zanti Misfits" in some of the creature design, an element that adds even more chills.

Darabont has made a few changes from the source material. Some scenes are tightened up, others are allowed room to breathe. New characters are created, some for the better, some for the worse, but everything works in a story way. One thing that impressed me in the original story was that there was never any definitive explanation for the horrors in the mist.   There was lip servide paid to the Arrowhead Project, a 'secret Amry experiment' in the mountains around town, but it was thankfully never fully explored. King even mentions in his notes on the story that the lack of an explanation makes things even more disturbing, and I agree. The movie is SLIGHTLY more definitive on this point, but even those little bits of information are gleaned from unreliable sources, and from unreliable extrapolation by panicked people. It was, I think, a good way of providing a possible reason for the mist, while avoiding the problem of over-explanation. The biggest thing that fans will likely debate, however, is Darabont's new ending.   The story had what King called a 'Twilight Zone' ending, where there was no real resolution. Darabont has fixed that, providing a chilling, disturbing, shocking, yet ultimately logical ending, one that had me sitting in my seat, feeling drained, long after the credits began to roll. King himself has praised the ending, claiming that if he had thought of it, he would have used it (and there are hints to it, in the story itself), even going so far as to say that anyone who revealed the events of the final ten minutes should be hanged. In any case, as the movie ended, some people, I could tell, were disgusted or distressed. No matter to me; the ending worked, and it elevated The Mist from a badass apocalyptic tale with stunning monsters to a disturbing and relentlessly bleak masterpiece.

In closing, there may be monsters outside, the story tells us, but the worst monsters are within. The creatures in the mist are exactly that: creatures.   They're not evil, or demented, or insane. They're animals. Big, scary, freakish animals, but animals nonetheless.   We're supposed to be better than that, but The Mist shows that we're closer to the edge of insanity and dementia than we can comfortably admit.

The Chrisman Returneth!

Mon, 05 Nov 2007 23:50:20 GMT

Yeah, it's been awhile again.

Not as long as some of my hiatuses (hiatii?), but still not good. Been dealing with serious problems at work (mainly monetarily; that's what happens when your boss discovers that she's bipolar, while she's going through menopause, depression, an economic recession, and other personal problems). I've been dreading life in general for about the last two months or so, especially, but things SEEM to be on an upturn at the moment.

To Kory, Allison, Aynne, and the rest of the MSD crew... gropings and salivations once more! I have once again returned to the font of the living, and as long as I can keep things from spiralling into utter crap, I'll be posting semi-regularly again.

Why, Marvel? Why? And why, Joe? (Warning: long-winded Comic Geekery ahead)

Wed, 19 Sep 2007 04:07:28 GMT

Anyone who knows me (or even looks to the side, to see my avatar) knows that I'm a HUGE Iron Man fan. I have been for years; the character inspired my interest in powered armor, a subject near and dear to my heart. I have a large collection of Iron Man comics, original art, posters, action figures, and pretty much any sort of Iron Man memorabilia or merchandising. I've followed the character faithfully for well over twenty years, through thick and thin. I stayed with it through the awful, awful storyline 'The Crossing', where Tony was turned into an evil traitor; through the 'teen Tony' times, through Mike Grell's well-intentioned-but-bad storylines a few years back. Most writers seem to have a problem with the character of Tony Stark; he's a rich, arrogant playboy, who started out as a weapons manufacturer. In most comic book universes, those things alone would make him a villain. Of course, the fact that he has a mustache AUTOMATICALLY makes him EEE--VILLE!

Seriously, though, a lot of writers don't seem capable of wrapping their heads around the moral grayness of Stark. He's capable of questionable deeds, but he's always a hero, doing the right thing. He's an iconoclast, resistant to whatever anyone thinks of him. He will follow his own lead, thankyouverymuch. That very steadfastness has been portrayed well, in storylines like Operation: Galactic Storm, and the vaunted Armor Wars. The creators, in my opinion, who have gotten him best have been David Micheline and Bob Layton, who were, not coincidentally, responsible for Armor Wars, as well as many other wonderful stories. Len Kaminski had a good run in the late eighties/early nineties, a run that will be forever known because Kaminski brought in the Variable Threat Response suit, aka "War Machine". Kaminski's run was actually quite good, full of nice character touches and badass, balls to the wall action backed up by Stark's formidable brain. John Byrne wrote an excellent group of story arcs, including the incredible "Dragon Seed Saga", with a climax featuring battles with Fin Fang Foom and the Mandarin.

Unfortunately, the writers who have completely screwed the character over are more common. Terry Kavanagh came up with the asinine idea to make Tony a villain back in "The Crossing", an act so vile and repulsive that it took Kurt Busiek and Carlos Pachecho's reverent, mind-bending "Avengers Forever" maxi-series to undo it. In recent years, the Marvel 'Civil War' has been anything but. The storyline was supposed to showcase hero vs. hero, in an ideological battle that was promised to be fair and even-handed. That turned out to be, at best, a misstatement, and at worst, a bald-faced lie. Captain America and Iron Man ended up opposing each other, Iron Man in favor of registration of people with superpowers, Cap against. The deck was stacked from the beginning, though; the pro-registration heroes were painted as little more than jackbooted thugs, with Iron Man being head of it all. The SHRA, the Super Human Registration Act, that was supposed to get heroes to register, was never really codified by Marvel, so each writer had his own interpretation, his own political lens to filter the stories through.

Two of the worst offenders in this latter category were Paul Jenkins, who wrote a 'sideline' comic called "Frontline", that had reporters Ben Urich and Sally Floyd racing to follow each side of the Civil War. Unfortunately, in Frontline (and NOWHERE else), it was revealed that Stark was some sort of Machiavellian fascist, manipulating events to line his pockets, while Sally and Ben were forced to remain quiet, lest they upset the delicate balance of power Stark created in attempting to unite the superheroic community. Hm. "Watchmen", anyone? I rolled my eyes in disgust at that, but one writer made things even worse, even before Civil War. J. Michael Straczynski, well known as the creator of Babylon 5, has been writing Amazing Spider-Man for about eight years now.   I have nothing but respect for Babylon 5, and for his work there. He wrote an amazing comic called 'Rising Stars', as well, which shares many similarities with both the Wild Cards shared novel series, and with the TV show Heroes.   Anyway, JMS (as he's known) has made no secret of his own political leanings, leanings that make their way into his comics.

Just prior to Civil War, Spidey, aka Peter Parker, was working as Iron Man's assistant (or, rather, Tony Stark's assistant). The banter and the relationship in these issues were amazing; I really got the impression that these guys would be friends. In the course of the Civil War storyline, in order to get more heroes to register, Tony convinces (not forces, not brainwashes, not coerces... he even leaves Peter an out) to publicly unmask, in support of registration (a move GUARANTEED not only to backfire, but to make Tony look like an even bigger dick than Marvel was shaping him up to be). Anyway, it's revealed to Peter, eventually, that Tony Stark, along with Reed Richards and Hank Pym (pretty much the three smartest Earth-based heroes in the Marvel Universe) have constructed and outfitted a prison in another dimension (the Negative Zone) to place villains, and the heroes that refused to register for the SHRA. It was obviously set up as an allegory for Guantanamo Bay, an allegory so thick you could side a house with it. Anyway, in the main Civil War title, Tony comes across as reasonable; he tells Peter that there is no other way, and that it's only a temporary measure because the only super-prisons on Earth have been destroyed. He says he doesn't want to do it, but it's the only way.

Now, the same scene plays out in JMS' 'Amazing Spider Man', but with roughly 500% more dickery and fascism. In JMS' version, OF THE SAME SCENE, Stark tells Peter that the inmates are there for life, no lawyers, no pleas, no mercy, and that if Peter doesn't toe the line, he'll be there too.

Throw in the fact that Stark was one of the 'Illuminati', a group that has tried to steer the course of heroes in the Marvel Universe in a retcon that was interesting to begin with, but has, like everything else lately, gotten more and more sinister. The Illuminati (Stark, Namor, Professor X, Black Bolt, Reed RIchards, and Dr. Strange) made the uncomfortable decision to send the Hulk to another planet, a planet that was supposedly peaceful and empty, in order to prevent more destructive rampages by the green behemoth. That decision backfired, as the Hulk ended up on a COMPLETELY different planet, was enslaved and turned into a gladiator. From there, he basically acted out the movie, Gladiator, and ended up as King. He took a Queen, allied with other gladiators (his "Warbound") and all was good, for a while. At least, until his ship, the ship that had brought him there, 'suddenly' blew up. Most of the planet's inhabitants were killed, as was his pregnant Queen. Of course, this makes Hulk mad, and we all know what happens then, don't we?

This led to the "World War Hulk" storyline. Greg Pak actually seemed to GET Stark here, writing him as a man who was tortured by his decision, and was horrified by how badly wrong it had gone. Still, he stepped up to the plate, when Hulk came-a-knocking, looking for revenge, and a big, all-out brawl was had. I knew Tony would lose, but he did put in a good fight in his Hulkbuster armor, trading punch for punch, but he was inevitably outclassed by the big green behemoth. No problems there.   Stark even lost to Spider-Man (SPIDER-MAN, for crying out loud!), in JMS' title yet again.

I think the final straw for most fans was the death of Captain America. Even though Tony had no part in it (as explicitly revealed IN THE FUCKING COMICS!!!), the fans seem more than happy to pin even that on him. The comics clearly showed Red Skull acting through his minions, Crossbones, Syn, and a brainwashed Sharon Carter, to pump bullets into Cap. No matter; Stark's the whipping boy, and logic be damned!

Now comes Thor #3, or, as I like to call it, "Joe's Final Insult".

A moderator on the Uncanny X-Men forums (http://www.uncannyxmen.net/forum) named Xorn-olith put it as pithily as I've seen it.

"Dear Iron Man,

F#%K you.

Sincerely,

JMS"

I won't spoil the issue for anyone, but I have to say, I like the way he writes Thor. If only he had the basest understanding of Tony Stark.  I'm beginning to really think that some bully who beat JMS up back in school wore an Iron Man T-shirt, and this is his way of taking revenge, by UTTERLY humiliating, degrading, and disrespecting the character.

Now, during Civil War, it was revealed that, during their first meeting as Avengers, Tony had taken a single hair of Thor's, to possibly use later. He, Pym, and Reed ended up creating a clone-cyborg version of Thor (semi-affectionately dubbed 'Clor' by fans) that went haywire. This is the kind of thing that Batman would do, and fans would commend his farsightedness. Not Tony, though... apparently, because he actually ENJOYS the use of his money, he must be a evil. Anyway, regarding the clone, Thor is understandably upset by this as Tony flies down and engages in some small talk before launching into threats about registration. Thor unloads on Tony, and unloads hard. It's not even a fight. Iron Man gets in ONE hit, a hit that has ZERO effect, before he's beaten like a red-headed stepchild.

Now, I'm not stupid. I know Tony needs a little ass-kicking here and there. Unfortunately, most current comic readers have only recent history to tell them about Stark's character. Much of the comic community seems to be saying, "Yeah! Kick his ass! Kick it! Stomp on his face!" It seems incredibly hateful and misdirected. Based on comic history, and Iron Man's own power, though, I expected more of a fight and less of a... less of a bitch-slap than this. Tony and Thor have tussled in the past, and tussled HARD. EVERY time, Tony made it a fight worth remembering, from his use of the 'Thor-Buster' armor a few years back, to a early battle, with Thor mistakenly protecting Moondragon. In that fight., Thor blasted Tony with mystic lightning; Tony took the current, charged his batteries, and laid Thor out, punching him through several heavy columns. He even threw in some trash talk, verbally laying into Thor for thinking that he was that fragile. They've battled here and there, with Thor usually winning, but it's NEVER an easy win by Thor.

Now, though, Thor uses the EXACT SAME LIGHTNING TRICK, and it COMPLETELY wipes Tony out. Not only that, but the bolt has an 'EMP element' that fries the Iron Man armor. I just find it hard to believe that, in the real world, we can insulate electronics from the effects of EMP, but one of the greatest minds in the scientifically-advanced Marvel universe doesn't seem to even have heard of it.   Worse, after the fight, Thor casually rips his helmet off (just as JMS had Spidey do, in the same month, in ASM), showing a terrified, literally crying Stark inside before threatening him some more, contemptuously tossing him aside like a ragdoll, to whimper and try to compromise with Thor before practically crawling away.

JMS even had the gall in a recent interview to state that he had a 'certain fondness' for Tony Stark, and that it was Marvel's fault he was a 'bad guy' at the moment, conveniently ignoring his own culpability in that situation.   Maybe I'm being a little defensive about this, but I'm thinking that Marvel's higher-ups have some sort of vendetta against their own character. It's the only thing that makes any logical sense.

Sorry about the randomness and blathering here, but I wanted to make sure I got it all out in some semi-permanent fashion. I've unloaded pretty much the same rant several times in the last few weeks, especially.

Official Iron Man movie trailer

Mon, 10 Sep 2007 20:02:13 GMT

Holy crap!

Can't wait can't wait can't WAIT!

http://www.apple.com/trailers/paramount/ironman/

In the immortal words of Sluggy Freelance, "Is it not nifty?"

Movie Review: Transformers (2007), 3 1/2 out of 4 stars, rated PG-13.

Fri, 13 Jul 2007 19:41:29 GMT

Transformers (2007). Rated PG-13. *** 1/2 out of ****. Directed by Michael Bay. Written by Roberto Orci and Alex Kurtzman. Starring Shia LaBeouf, Megan Fox, Jon Voight, Josh Duhamel, Tyrese Gibson, Rachael Taylor, Anthony Anderson, John Turturro.

Holy. Fucking. SHIT.

Like many children of the 1980s, I was a HUGE fan of the Transformers. I can still remember my first two, bought for Christmas by my grandparents. They took me to the Zayre's department store on Marlboro Pike, just off the Beltway, and allowed me to pick out what I wanted. I looked, and the first two that caught my eye were a gun and an ambulance, aka Megatron and Ratchet. Ratchet, to me, seemed like a pussy, so I didn't play with him much, but Megatron was completely and utterly badass. That damned cannon he carried on his arm, formed from the scope attached to the pistol, lent him an air of menace, of sheer power that was barely contained. Over the next few years, I collected more and more of them, breaking several with my energetic style of play. There was Soundwave, loyal servant of Megatron. Jazz, the stylish, cool warrior. Sunstreaker, vain and borderline psychopathic. Ironhide, tough and dependable, and of course, the baddest, most honorable of them all: Optimus Prime. My good friend jemstone has told me, more than once, how Optimus was a guiding force in his life, how the Autobot leader's unwavering moral compass and quiet badassitude were benchmarks to live by. It was always kind of a mystery to me, how a character so uncompromisingly GOOD and moral could be so heartily embraced by so many people. A lot of my friends tended to like more ambiguous characters, but Optimus was always a favorite, even to them. A big part of it was the 1986 animated movie, which had the iconic sequence of Prime, outnumbered, charging into the mass of Decepticons and decimating them before falling in single combat with Megatron (Megatron, of course, went down as well). All to the power-chords of Stan Bush's "The Touch", a song denigrated over a decade later by Mark Wahlberg in Boogie Nights.

Now comes the hotly-anticipated live-action Transformers. My friends and I had long discussed how badass such a movie would be, especially when we first started to see the vistas that CGI special effects opened up for filmmakers.   It's not quite what we imagined back then, but Michael Bay's latest film is at least a nod towards those feverish imaginings. In many ways, it's not as good; in some, it's even better.

The movie follows high school student Sam WItwicky (Spike, from the cartoon, played to perfection by a geeky Shia LaBeuof), a semi-nerdy teen trying desperately to get his first car, so he can impress the girl of his dreams (the aptly named Fox, who resembles Jennifer Connelly in many ways). After some wrangling with his father (Kevin Dunn) and a shady used-car salesman (Bernie Mac), he acquires a beat-up yellow 1977 Camaro (coincidentally, the same as MY first car, except mine was more of a 'Bond-O' color). The Camaro is, as they say, more than meets the eye. It's really a disguised Bumblebee, scout for the heroic Autobots, as they search for the legendary Allspark to help repopulate their home planet Cybertron. Also searching for the Allspark are the evil Decepticons, who are also searching for their missing leader, Megatron.   Both the Allspark and Megatron are somewhere on Earth, and of course, Sam is key to finding them.

It's a simple setup, but from such small acorns do mighty oaks (or at least spruces and cedars) grow. In the case of Transformers, the story splits itself between Sam and Bumblebee, as well as a group of survivors of a Qatar base attack (Gibson and Duhamel), fighting their way across the desert as they're stalked by the Decepticon Skorponok. Also involved are a group of government employed hackers under the direction of the Secretary of Defense (Voight) , led by an Australian hottie (Taylor) and her illegal hacker confidant (Anderson).   Add to that a secret conspiracy, fronted by an almost insane agent (a comically inept Turturro, seemingly doing an impression of Al Pacino), and you have a mix of humans to choose from.

What about the robots, though?

Early images and concept art that leaked out had many fans up in arms, myself included. Why did Optimus have to have flames on the side? Why was Bumblebee a Camaro instead of the familiar Volkswagen Beetle? And what the hell was up with Megatron's redesign? I have to say, though, after seeing it, I have to agree with producer Don Murphy when he said, "You have to see them in motion". They're beautifully, awesomely ALIVE, each vehicle unfolding like a flower of death to reveal the massively built, powerful machines within.   Just seeing Bonecrusher transforming in the middle of a highway, to be followed by Prime for a duel to the death, was enough to get my fanboy heart pumping pure adrenaline. It was thrilling and fun and eye-popping, with just the right mix of action and humor.

Hearing Peter Cullen voicing Prime again, especially during his opening narration, was enough to make the hair on my arms stand on end. I was at first opposed to the casting of Hugo "Agent Smith" Weaving as Megatron, wanting the original Frank Welker to reprise the voice, but he acquitted himself admirably (although some of his Agent Smith-speak ended up in Megatron, especially when he asks a cowering Sam "Is it fear or bravery that drives you, boy? "). The rest of the Autobots and Decepticons, with the exception of the funny and frantic Frenzy (voiced by Reno Wilson) don't really register (except Bumblebee, and thanks to a 'war wound', he doesn't speak, except through songs played through the radio).   I also almost had a nerdgasm when Megatron asks Starscream where the Allspark is. Starscream responds by whining, "The humans have taken it!" Megatron, of course, snarls menacingly, "You fail me yet again, Starscream!" It was a nice nod to the cartoon and comics, and I really hope they develop Starscream's character a lot more in the sequels.   Also, Bumblebee is finally allowed to be the badass he always wanted to be (thanks to my man jemstone for that observation!)

A few complaints, though. The main one is that the battles are shot too frantically, as if they were all done with wildly swinging Handicams. It makes figuring out who's hitting who a little bit difficult, except when the combatants are brightly colored (ala Prime or Bumblebee).    Some of the characterizations seem a LITTLE bit off (I can't quite reconcile the Prime I grew up with and the Prime from the movie, who steps on a piece of garden decoration and says, sheepishly, "Whoops. My bad", although it's neatly set up when Prime says they learned Earth's languages from the Internet). The pace works, but it could have used some cutting of parts of the human story. The movie IS called Transformers, after all, it's not Humans, and the Robots That Love Them. I really wanted more battles, more epic robot-vs.-robot combat to singe my eyes, but for the most part, what's there is good.

All in all, the good FAR outweighs the bad, and I can say (and not lie) that this is Michael Bay's best movie. That sounds like I'm damning Transformers with faint praise, but nothing could be further from the truth. As one character in Transformers says, "This is easily a hundred times cooler than Armageddon!"

Movie Review: Live Free or Die Hard (3 out of 4 stars), rated PG-13

Sun, 08 Jul 2007 02:29:17 GMT

Live Free or Die Hard (2007), rated PG-13. Directed by Len Wiseman. Written by Mark Bomback. Starring Bruce Willis, Justin Long, Timothy Olyphant, Maggie Q, Cliff Curtis, Mary Elizabeth Winstead, Kevin Smith.

"Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker!"

What a way to breathe new life into an old franchise! Twelve years after the infinitely excellent third outing (Die Hard with a Vengeance) of beleaguered New York City detective John McClane (Willis), director Len Wiseman (Underworld and Underworld: Evolution) has brought McClane back, front and center, doing what he does best. What does he do best? Kill terrorists, of course! Ever since 1987's modern classic Die Hard reinvented the action genre, a host of imitators and pretenders to the throne have popped up.   Die Hard's innovations, necessary for its story, included a limited area (in its case, a 40-story office building), spectacular action setpieces (McClane's fight with Karl, or the sight of him leaping off the top of the building with nothing but a firehose tied around his waist), brutal humor and sense of fun (favorite line ever, after watching an FBI helicopter blow up, the Deputy Chief of Police says, in a perfect deadpan, "We're gonna need some more FBI guys, I guess"), and unusual, exciting villains (who can forget Alan Rickman as the suave, urbane, witty, stylishly-dressed sociopathic thug/thief, Hans Gruber, or Jeremy Irons as his equally urbane and witty brother Simon in Die Hard with a Vengeance?) Its imitators usually aped the limited location, parodied as the infamous "Die Hard in a __________" plot. We've had Die Hard on buses (the excellent Speed), on planes (the disappointingly unoriginal Die Hard 2, Passenger 57, Turbulence), on aircraft carriers (Under Siege), trains (Under Siege 2: Dark Territory), and even back to office buildings (the surreal, unintentionally comedic Anna Nicole Smith 'film', Skyscraper).

Now, the daddy of all those bastard children is back, and in fine form. McClane is back at his old job, but things have changed. He and his wife Holly (played to perfection in the first two by Bonnie Bedelia, and relegated to an unseen phone voice in Vengeance) are now divorced, while his daughter Lucy (Winstead) is a college student, angry with her father, and aping her mother by using the mother's maiden name Gennaro instead of McClane. McClane is called up by the FBI to bring in hacker Matt Farrell (Long), who has been unknowingly assisting super-hacker Thomas Gabriel (Deadwood's Olyphant) in an attack on the United States computer system on the Fourth of July weekend.   In the first spectacular action sequence, McClane has to rescue Farrell from his own apartment as it's besieged by Gabriel's mercenaries. Part of the charm of the Die Hard films is how McClane outwits his enemies, often resorting to crude, low-tech methods to get the job done.   This sequence does that in spades, as McClane uses a fire extinguisher, his car, a dumpster, and a chain-link fence to take on the mercs in entertainingly over-the-top fashion. In later sequences, he uses vehicles as melee weapons multiple times. I was reminded of one of my dispatchers, Murphy, who memorably told a driver who found himself in a dangerous situation, in his cab, surrounded by hostiles, "Punch the pedal to the floor! Run 'em over! Remember, you're driving a 4,000 pound boxing glove!"

Things escalate from there, as McClane has to outwit Gabriel, his slinky femme fatale (Maggie Q), and Gabriel's team of mercs and hackers. His daughter gets drawn into things as well, while McClane tries to keep FBI cyber-crime head Bowman (Curtis) apprised of the situation.   It's all great fun, especially watching McClane's continued survival and promises to kick Gabriel's scrawny ass take their emotional toll on the formerly icy criminal. Olyphant is an excellent actor (he's great as the straight-arrow sheriff Bullock on the unfortunately cancelled Deadwood), and his fear shows through, even as he's smugly certain, time and time again, that McClane is dead.  His motives for villainy are interesting, although somewhat transparent. Long is quirky and funny without being too annoying, and the stupidity of the FBI (waved in the audience's face in the first film) has been replaced with a kind of informed helplessness. Bowman is pretty on the level, and the role of government scumbag department has been switched to the NSA.   Curtis, a talented New Zealand actor who has the chameleonlike ability to change personalities, nationalities, and identities seemingly with ease, plays Bowman with a sort of tired, angry dignity.   Winstead definitely plays Lucy as her father's daughter, whether standing up to her father in the early scenes, or laying a right cross on a villain's jaw, she doesn't fall into the standard damsel in distress mode. She echoes her mother in the original, who memorably and calmly responded to Gruber's "What idiot put you in charge?" with "You did. The moment you murdered my boss."

Some complaints about the movie. The hacking sequences, while standard for Hollywood, do seem a little too 'magical'. It's as if anyone with a computer in this world has mystical skills that allows him or her to take over the world, if they see fit. Also, a late-movie duel between McClane and an F-22 veers dangerously into "too far over the top" territory, as does a sequence in a city highway tunnel.   Times and places seem to be compressed, as much of the action takes place in Washington, DC, and Baltimore, although the entire East Coast seems to be traversed with minimal time and difficulty. Also, the villain's main henchmen seem to be indestructible, although that is also a Die Hard staple (Karl in the original, or Targo in Vengeance). Still, those are minor gripes in an otherwise thoroughly entertaining film.   I had thought that this might be McClane's last hurrah, but after this film, I think I'd like to see more of the grizzled, veteran badass at his finest.

World War Hulk and Iron Man (minor spoilers, plus humor)

Fri, 22 Jun 2007 18:28:01 GMT

Well, with the arrival of World War Hulk, I decided to take a look around to see how badly my favorite golden-armored Avenger, Iron Man, is doing. For those who haven't been keeping track, in the Marvel Universe, Tony Stark is currently the head of SHIELD. He's also the head of the proi-registration movement, representing those heroes who have legally registered with the Super Hero Registration Act. He's imprisoned those who have resisted registration, including former friends, and has used villains as his henchmen (especially Norman Osborn). He triggered a fake assassination attempt on an Atlantean delegation by Osborn, helped to create a clone of Thor, convinced Spider-Man to publicly unmask on national TV, and apparently kicks dogs for fun.

Oh, yeah... he and the rest of the group known as the Illuminati (Stark, Black Bolt, Namor, Reed Richards, Professor X, and Dr. Strange) tricked the Hulk, got him in a rocket, and shot him into space. They had intended to end his rampages on Earth by sending him to a peaceful world, with no native sentient inhabitants, where he could supposedly live out his life in peace. As things go, it didn't end up that way. Hulk's ship ended up on the planet Sakaar, with a weakened Hulk captured and forced to become a gladiator. Much like the movie Gladiator, he worked himself up and up the line, eventually triggering a rebellion and toppling the emperor, only to take his place. He also gathered friends around him, even got married.

Unfortunately, somehow, the ship he came on detonated, killing a million people, including the Hulk's pregnant wife. Hulk knew who had sent him to Sakaar, and he vowed revenge on all of them. He gathered his surviving friends, got a ship, and headed to Earth to get his retribution...

Now, that's a pretty good setup for a storyline. Fortunately, unlike in Civil War, so far Marvel's been kind to my buddy Stark.   My biggest criticism of Civil War was the ham-handed way they painted the pro-reg people as fascists, especially Tony Stark and Reed Richards. In the main book, it wasn't so much a concern; Stark was shown as a man who was troubled by what he felt was necessary for peace, but was strong-willed enough to do it.   In the tie-in books, though, he was portrayed as a greedy, soulless, fascistic opportunist who only needed to twirl his mustache to make himself into a full-fledged villain. Even now, the Marvel webboards are full of "I hope Tony Stark dies" and "Stark needs his ass kicked" threads.

Now, to World War Hulk #1.

Minor spoilers ahead.

I LOVED this issue. FInally, Tony is allowed to show that he IS a hero, by taking on the Hulk mano-a-mano in an evacuated Manhattan to avoid casualties. I can't say any more, because I don't want to spoil it, but I'm glad Marvel's finally getting off their asses in an attempt to make Stark back into a hero again. In my eyes, he always was one, but a big section of the comic-buying public doesn't think so. Still, I kind of like that Tony's in a central position to the Marvel Universe at the moment. It's like he's become Wolverine or something!

Oh... and apparently, they're going all-out to restore his good name. In the most recent issue of New Avengers, they find out the Elektra is a Skrull. Luke Cage starts wondering how many other Skrulls are here, and with the other information out there (someone broke out the super-villains in New Avengers #1, and hints at a world-spanning conspiracy have been simmering for about two to three years now). So, my guess is that Stark found out about the shape-shifting bastards, didn't know who to trust, and helped set the SHRA and everything else into motion in order to weed out the Skrulls. I may be wrong, but I hope I'm not...

Heh. I found this comic on the Occasional Superheroine blog. Check out her blog for yourself after reading the little mini-comic; it sums up my feelings about Iron Man pretty well. Enjoy.

Movie Review: 28 Weeks Later... (3 1/2 out of 4 stars)

Fri, 22 Jun 2007 18:07:13 GMT

28 Weeks Later...(2007). *** 1/2 out of ****. Starring Robert Carlyle, Rose Byrne, Jeremy Renner, Harold Perrineau, Idris Elba, Imogen Poots, Mackintosh Muggleton, Catherine McCormack. Written by Juan Carlos Fresnadillo, Enrique Lopez-Lavigne, Jesus Olmo, and Rowan Joffe. Directed by Juan Carlos Fresnadillo.

Wow.

I saw 2002's 28 Days Later... with a friend, and was blown away by it. The documentary style, the in-your-face editing, the perfomances, the gore, the claustrophobic nature of it all. It was overwhelming, and it helped in the zombie movie revolution that's come along since.   The rabidly insane Infected were terrifying enemies, unable to be reasoned with or driven off once they were infected. They were relentless in their pursuit, even to the points of their own deaths, and mindless to anything but the need to kill.

Now comes the sequel, 28 Weeks Later... As the title implies, it's been several months since the last film, and the Rage infection that decimated England seems to be under control. The U.S. military has moved into London, quarantining a huge section of town, which they've christened the Green Zone (nope, move along, no allegories here!) Headed by General Stone (Elba), they've cleared out and cleaned up several apartment buildings and shopping areas for the people to inhabit. They start moving the uninfected population back into this zone, with guilt-wracked survivor Don (Carlyle) being reunited with his children, Tammy (Poots) and Andy (Muggleton) in the Green Zone after the 'death' of his wife Alice (McCormack) at the hands of the Infected.

I won't spoil anything, but as you can probably surmise, the Rage virus hasn't died out. In fact, it's rather clever the way it's reintroduced, while American military doctor Scarlett Ross (Byrne) tries to figure out a cure or vaccine and sniper Doyle (Renner) starts to have doubts about his orders.

The whole movie seems of a piece with the first one, and apart from a rather stupid yet spectacularly gory action sequence seemingly stolen from the 'Planet Terror' sequence of Grindhouse, it's maddeningly down to earth.   Because we've seen the effects of Rage, both in the first film and in this one, the quiet sequences have their own terrible suspense as we wait for the inevitable arrival of the Infected, a sense of dread hangs over the whole movie, a dread that's more than fulfilled as not all of the main characters make it to the end credits.   The political allegories are there, but with a few exceptions, they're not ham-handed. And, for once, the Americans are shown as human, not as invicible good guys nor as inhuman monsters. Doyle, especially, is put into a terrible Scylla and Charybdis situation about halfway through the movie, a situation that forces him to examine his conscience and decide exactly what he wants to do. That's the horror, there, in a nutshell: when faced with horrifying situations, how badly do you fight to keep your humanity?

All in all, a fascinating film in its own right, and an excellent follow-up to a modern classic.

Movie Review: Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer (3 out of 4 stars)

Fri, 22 Jun 2007 17:48:23 GMT

Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer (2007).  *** out of ****. Starring Ioan Gruffudd, Jessica Alba, Michael Chiklis, Chris Evans, Julian McMahon, Andre Braugher, Laurence Fishburne. Written by Don Payne. Directed by Tim Story.

Wow. What a difference a few years makes.

The first Fantastic Four was agreeable enough. It was rushed, a little too short, nearly plotless, and still incredibly enjoyable.  Maybe Dr. Doom wasn't menacing enough, Reed Richards was too passive, and Jessica Alba was the worst-cast actress as a scientist since Denise Richards in The World Is Not Enough, but who cares? It was fun. They REALLY captured the rivalry between Thing (Chiklis) and the Human Torch (Evans), playing it out beautifully. They feuded like brothers. Brothers with superpowers, but brothers nonetheless.   There was a certain lightness, a breeziness to the movie that made it pleasant and diverting, unlike most of the superhero movies out, which tried for a more epic, 'heavy' feel.

The sequel, the aptly named Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer corrects most of the mistakes of the first one while retaining the lightness of tone of the first one.   As the title implies, the intergalactic hero Silver Surfer makes his appearance in this one, and as any comic fanboy knows, when you have the Surfer, you have the cosmic planet eater, the Destroyer of Worlds himself, Galactus.

Worldwide, weather systems are changing. Massive holes are appearing in the earth's crust, while a mysterious energy surge heralds these upheavals. The Four, though, are busy... preparing for the wedding of Mr. Fantastic (Gruffud), and the Invisible Woman (Alba).   The arrival of the Surfer disrupts their plans, though, and inadvertently brings the thought-dead Dr. Doom (McMahon) back into the fold. As the Four bicker and argue over various issues (Johnny's childishness, Reed and Sue's impending nuptials, and Ben's still-strong sense of being an outsider), they also have to deal with the seemingly omnipotent Surfer and hs message of doom and gloom for humanity.

First up, the bad. I won't spoil it, but the nature of Galactus in the movie, while expected, left me a little... underwhelmed. I will say that there are flashes, little hints of the comic Galactus, and I'll cling to those like a drowning sailor to a piece of driftwood.   Also, Doom seems a little... restrained, for Doom. There are few grand soliloquies, and none of the famous third-person "You dare to stand against Doom?!?" declarations. Still, these are minor complaints, and bear little on the final film.

As for the rest, it's as if they took the criticisms of the first film and worked to address them in this film. Everyone does their job with gusto, especially the Four themselves and Laurence Fishburne as the voice of the enigmatic Surfer.  The effects are good-to-great, the plot simple enough to be easily understood but complex enough to satisfy, with plenty of geeky fanboy moments for readers of the comics. There are little Easter eggs everywhere. My favorite had to be the name of the female military attache that Johnny gets worked up over, a definite nod in the direction that they wish to go in future installments of the franchise.    The characters are all sharply defined, with Reed's charming naivete countered with an inspiring, geek-empowering speech he gives to an old military nemesis (Braugher) about halfway through the film a highlight.   Johnny's childishness, Sue's sheer level of power (accurately reflected; she's long been the most powerful member of the team), Reed's geekiness, Ben's good-natured humor, Doom's megalomania, and Surfer's essential nobility are all well-displayed here.

All in all, a damn good time at the movies. It won't win any Oscars, but who cares? It's fun; enjoy!

Movie Reviews: Pirates of the Caribbean 3 (2 1/2 out of 4 stars)

Fri, 22 Jun 2007 16:53:23 GMT

Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End (2007).   ** 1/2 out of ****. Starring Johnny Depp, Orlando Bloom, Keira Knightley, Geoffrey Rush, Chow Yun-Fat, Bill Nighy, Jonathan Pryce. Written by Ted Elliott and Terry Rossio. Directed by Gore Verbinski.

Okay, I have to say, I LOVED the original Pirates of the Caribbean: Curse of the Black Pearl.  Like many people, Johnny Depp's Captain Jack Sparrow made the movie for me.   Without him, it would have been a good movie, but with him, it was a GREAT movie. His personality, his mannerisms, and especially his formidable sense of strategy and planning endeared the character to me, much more so than the bland Will Turner (Bloom) or Elizabeth Swann (Knightley).   As the action played out, you could practically see the wheels turning in Captain Jack's mind as he tried to maneuver situations to his best advantage.  He had a great nemesis in the wily Barbossa (Rush), playing each and every scene to the hilt along with Sparrow. It was all great fun.

The sequel, last year's POTC: Dead Man's Chest, was fun, but it seemed a little overpacked, as if the writers decided to throw in as much as they could. Unfortunately, without Barbossa this time around, it wasn't nearly as amusing as the first one. And the reversal of Captain Jack, from a great pirate pretending to be an idiot into an idiot pretending to be a great pirate, seemed a little forced. Still, some fascinating plot elements surfaced in that one, including the demonic Davy Jones (Nighy), the sorceress Tia Dalma (Naomie Harris), and the change in fortunes of the former Admiral Norrington (Jack Davenport).

Now, with the release of the final part of the trilogy, POTC: At World's End, things are... pretty much the same.

Don't get me wrong. The plot is thrilling, full of quite pirate-y backstabbings by everyone involved. It seems as if each character tries to come out on top, to the detriment of everyone else, at least once in the story.   Elizabeth and Will are more fully developed characters, Barbossa returns triumphantly, as does Captain Jack (swallowed by the Kraken at the end of Dead Man's Chest). The problem is, it all feels like it's being stuffed in to pad the movie, much as the island of cannibals felt shoehorned into Dead Man's Chest.   The rescue of Captain Jack from the hellish confines of Davy Jones' locker, while impressive (and, thanks to a scene where we see the full depths of Jack's madness, funny), still feels like padding, as does the opening meeting of our surviving heroes with Chinese pirate Sao Feng (Chow Yun-Fat, whose role in this movie is curiously touted in all the advertising, yet adds up to little more than a glorified cameo).

The problem is that too much is going on. It jumps all over the place, and by the time the fantastic final hour rolls around (complete with a guns-blazing ship battle around a swirling whirlpool), chances are, you'll feel exhausted. I honestly liked the movie, and I applaud the decision to end things on a bittersweet note, but it still seems as if it's both rushed and overstuffed. It's like eating a fantastic dinner that's three courses too long, while having only twenty minutes to eat it.  It's also quite over-the-top, with several scenes that seem lifted from a Monty Python movie.

On the good side, some of the setups encountered in Dead Man's Chest have fantastic payoffs in this film, so all is not wasted. All in all, it's worth the price of a matinee showing, at least.   And seeing Barbossa and Captain Jack having to work together, while still butting heads, is absolutely hilarious.

At the very least, it's a hell of a lot better than Spider-Man 3, so it's worth seeing.

More on Spidey 3

Thu, 10 May 2007 12:31:40 GMT

Okay... after reading this article, it all starts to make sense. All the bitching I (and others, like

jemstone) have done about the crowded feeling of Spidey 3 leads up to this. It's common knowledge that Raimi didn't want to include Venom, but was 'coerced' into doing so by Avi Arad. Raimi's original story likely would have worked much better on film; ironically, in trying to please all of the fans, he ended up alienating at least some of them.

New Iron Man pics!

Wed, 09 May 2007 15:59:39 GMT

I am stoked! In the last few weeks, more pics for the upcoming Iron Man movie have been posted. Here's one of Robert Downey Jr., forging the crude Mark I armor's faceplate, his heart-saving chestplate glowing:

And here's the first shot of his upgraded armor:

Looking good!

Movie Review: Spider-Man 3 (Spoilers) ( out of / 1/2 star out of **)

Wed, 09 May 2007 15:48:35 GMT

Spider-Man 3 (2007), starring Tobey Maguire, Kirsten Dunst, James Franco, Topher Grace, Thomas Haden Church, Bryce Dallas Howard, Rosemary Harris, James Cromwell. Directed by Sam Raimi. Written by Sam Raimi, Ivan Raimi, and Alvin Sargent.   Columbia Pictures; rated PG-13.

** out of ****/ 1/2 * out of ****

Okay.   As you can probably tell by the star rating I gave Spider-Man 3, I wasn't too impressed.   My first question, once I walked out of the theater, was simple: What happened? The same franchise and creative team that gave us the excellent Spider-Man and the near-perfection of Spider-Man 2 was reduced to this shapeless, flabby, formless mass of celluloid. What had happened, to allow the creative juices behind those two blockbusters to curdle into this... this travesty?  What the HELL, man?!?

As you may have also noted, I gave it two ratings. The first (2 out of 4)is the rating for the average moviegoer. Spider-Man 3 wasn't, by Hollywood standards, a COMPLETELY awful film. There are great sequences (although some of the special effects seem, like the rest of the movie, a bit rushed), and the performances of the major characters are great, across the board. Some of the minor characters are delivered with absolutely cringe-worthy performances, though. The Osborn butler, for instance, is utterly AWFUL, as is the TV reporter who seems to narrate the entire final battle with all the flair and charm of Courtney Love in a pharmaceutical factory, and Stan Lee's inevitable cameo provokes eye-rolling rather than knowing chuckles.   Bruce Campbell, the Chin himself, is, as always, utterly hilarious in his single scene, and Dylan Baker, a highly underrated actor, provides a solid Dr. Connors. Overall, it's a watchable if forgettable movie with some seriously giggle-inducing situations and brain-dead characters and dialogue.

The second rating (half a star) is for comic-book fans. This movie will gouge out your eyeballs and rape your inner child. There are so many "WHAT THE FUCK?!?" moments in this movie, I couldn't even begin to list them all. Honestly, parts of it reminded me of the travesty known as Batman and Robin, especially the attempts at knowing, campy 'humor'. It's almost as if the filmmakers deliberately set out to alienate comic-book fans as much as possible, by destroying established characters and motivations to try and make square pegs fit into round holes. Other elements just didn't work (I'm looking RIGHT at you, stupid jazz-club dance scene!).   The attempts to make Sandman (Church) a sympathetic character kind of fall flat (although that's no stain on the fine work done by the actor, who not only looks like thuggish Flint Marko, he somehow manages to keep his dignity), as did the retcon of the death of Uncle Ben. And what happened to Spidey's spider-sense?   He gets ambushed over and over again, by attacks he SHOULD see coming.   There is seemingly no attempt to maintain the integrity of the comic characters, although, in my humble opinion, Venom is remarkably well-executed. Topher Grace succeeds in capturing the slimy, Geraldo-esque creepiness of Eddie Brock, and, as Venom, he seems to take great glee in torturing and toying with our hero.   Sandman is a mixed bag; Thomas Haden Church does well with what he has been given, but it's essentially a thankless role. Neither Venom, nor the new Goblin, nor Sandman have the lethal grace and majesty of the original Green Goblin and Dr. Octopus.

Anyway, there has apparently been very little passage of time between the end of part 2 and now. Peter Parker (Maguire) has a semi-decent job as a photographer for the Daily Bugle, he is in a stable relationship with his childhood sweetheart Mary-Jane Watson (Dunst), and even his alter-ego Spider-Man is proudly displayed by New Yorkers as a just and upstanding hero. Things are looking up, even though his best friend, Harry Osborn (Franco), despondent and mad with rage and grief over the death of his father in part 1, has now followed his father's footsteps to become a newer, sleeker, more 'X-Games' version of the Green Goblin.    He also holds Peter responsible for Norman Osborn's inadvertent suicide-by-glider in the first film.    Peter is gleeful that New Yorkers have embraced ol' Webhead, although this puts serious strain on Mary-Jane, who finds that her desire to sing on stage is not commensurate with her talents. Friction grows as Peter and Harry butt heads (quite violently), while Peter discovers a wellspring of rage and anger within him after finding out that the man he thought killed his uncle may have, in fact, been innocent of the crime. Oh... did I mention the meteorite carrying emotionally-vampiric black goop that cocoons Peter, giving rise to the 'black suit' Spider-Man?   Or the new villain Sandman, who, after an accident at a test facility, now finds himself made entirely of semi-sentient sand?

I never thought a movie could be slow and boring while simultaneously being over-packed with characters and events. The problem is, there's no real through-line, no plot to speak of.   Events simply happen; characters wander in and out of the film seemingly at random.   Peter's with MJ. Meteor lands nearby, puffs out some black goop. Peter sees Aunt May. Peter attacked by Harry; Flint Marko escapes prison, and, in one of those weird coincidences that works in a comic but not in a film, he ends up falling into a physics experiment involving the transmutation of sand. Introduce Gwen Stacy and Eddie Brock... it all becomes simple breathlessness after a while, and becomes boring. Even the well-done fights are pretty much the same: punch Spidey, Spidey flips around, webs something up, lunges, repeat.   There are certian bits of magic in the movie (the fight between black-suited Peter and Harry at Harry's penthouse is amazing; it shows just how ruthless Peter can be with his emotions unbridled), but the wooden dialogue, horrible plotting, and unbelievable developments hamper it to the point of nausea. They should have concentrated on either Sandman or Venom (I would say Sandman; they could bring in the black suit, then have him realize how aggressive and out of control the suit makes him until he sheds it at the end of the movie...to reveal Eddie Brock in the shadows, embracing his destiny as Venom). In any case, I look forward to future installments in the series, and hope they look back to the first two bits of movie magic and not this cinematic abortion.

"I...AM...IRON...MAN!"

Thu, 12 Apr 2007 16:31:54 GMT

Cue Black Sabbath up! The Iron Man movie is go, and from this pic of Tony Stark's first armor (cobbled together from salvaged components while he's in captivity), it looks like this movie is gonna kick much ass!

The giddy Shellhead fan in me anticipates much joy.

The Movie List Meme

Thu, 29 Mar 2007 17:02:32 GMT

(ganked from

tth)

My Score: 119

Yes, I am a complete and utter dork.

Movie List Meme: Number all films you have seen in their entirety at least once.
If your score exceeds 70, you have no life.
Place your score in the header and repost.

(1) Rocky Horror Picture Show
(2) Grease
(3) Pirates of the Caribbean
(4) Boondock Saints
( ) The Mexican
(5) Fight Club
( ) Starsky and Hutch
(6) Neverending Story
(7) Blazing Saddles
(8) Airplane
(9) The Princess Bride
(10) Young Frankenstein
() Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy
(11) Napoleon Dynamite
( 12) Saw
() White Noise
() White Oleander
( 13) Anger Management
( ) 50 First Dates
( 14) Jason X
(15) Scream
( 16) Scream 2
( 17) Scream 3
( 18) Scary Movie
( 19) Scary Movie 2
( 20) Scary Movie 3
(21) American Pie
(22) American Pie 2
( 23) American Wedding
(24) Harry Potter & the Philosopher's/Sorcerer's Stone
(25) Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets
() Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban
() Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire
(26) Resident Evil I
( 27) Resident Evil 2
(28 ) The Wedding Singer
( ) Little Black Book
(29) The Village
(30) Donnie Darko
(31) Lilo & Stitch
(32) Finding Nemo
() Finding Neverland
(33) 13 Ghosts
(34) Signs
( 35) The Grinch
( 36) Texas Chainsaw Massacre
( ) White Chicks
(37) Butterfly Effect
( ) 13 Going on 30
(38) I, Robot
(39) Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story
(40) Universal Soldier
( 41) A Series Of Unfortunate Events
( ) Along Came Polly
(42) Deep Impact
(43 ) Kingpin
( ) Never Been Kissed
(44) Meet The Parents
( ) Meet the Fockers
( ) Eight Crazy Nights
( ) A Cinderella Story
() The Terminal
( ) The Lizzie McGuire Movie
( ) Passport to Paris
(45 ) Dumb & Dumber
( ) Dumb & Dumberer
(46) Final Destination
(47) Final Destination 2
(48) Halloween
(49 ) The Ring
( 50) The Ring 2
() Harold & Kumar Go To White Castle
(51) Practical Magic
() Chicago
(52 ) Ghost Ship
( 53) From Hell
(54) Hellboy
( 55) Secret Window
( ) I Am Sam
(56 ) The Whole Nine Yards
(57) The Day After Tomorrow
(58) Child's Play
( ) Bride of Chucky
(59) Ten Things I Hate About You
( ) Just Married
() Gothika
(60) Nightmare on Elm Street
(61) Sixteen Candles
( ) Coach Carter
(62) Bad Boys
( ) Bad Boys 2
( ) Joy Ride
(63) Se7en
(64) Ocean's 11
( 65) Ocean's 12
(66) Bourne Identity
(67) Lone Star
(68) Bedazzled
(69) Predator I
(70) Predator II
(71) Independence Day
(72) Cujo
( ) A Bronx Tale
( 73) Darkness Falls
(74) Christine
(75) E.T., the Extra-Terrestrial
(76) Children of the Corn
( ) My Boss' Daughter
(77) Frailty
( ) Best Bet
() How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days
(78) She's All That
() Calendar Girls
( 79) Sideways
(80) Mars Attacks
( 81) Event Horizon
() Ever After
(82) Forrest Gump
(83) Big Trouble in Little China
(84) X-Men
(85) X-2: X-Men United
(86) X-3: The Last Stand
(87 ) Jeepers Creepers
(88 ) Jeepers Creepers 2
( ) Catch Me If You Can
( 89) The Others
(90) Freaky Friday (old)
() Freaky Friday (new)
(91) Reign of Fire
(92) Cruel Intentions
( ) The Hot Chick
( ) Swimfan
(93) Miracle
(94) Old School
( ) The Notebook
(95) K-Pax
(96) Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring
(97) Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers
(98) Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King
() A Walk to Remember
(99) Varsity Blues
( ) Hitch
(100) The Fifth Element
(101) Star Wars, Episode I: The Phantom Menace
(102) Star Wars, Episode II: Attack of The Clones
(103) Star Wars, Episode III Revenge of The Sith
(104) Star Wars, Episode IV: A New Hope
(105) Star Wars, Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back
(106) Star Wars, Episode VI: Return of The Jedi
(107) Troop Beverly Hills
(108) Swimming with Sharks
(109) Air Force One
() For Richer or Poorer
(110) Trainspotting
(111) People Under the Stairs
(112) Blue Velvet
() The Sound of Music
(113) Parent Trap 1 (old)
() Parent Trap 2 (new)
(114) The 'Burbs
(115) The Terminator
(116) Empire Records
(117) SLC Punk
() Meet Joe Black
() The Nightmare Before Christmas
(118) The Silence of the Lambs
(119) Sleepy Hollow
() I Heart Huckabees
( ) 24 Hour Party People
( ) Blood In Blood Out
( ) The Virgin Suicides

"My God, it's full of stars!"

Thu, 29 Mar 2007 14:19:02 GMT

Wow.

That's all I have to say. Wow. Every time I think nature has shown us enough, something like this comes along. It's a massive storm on Saturn, four times as large as the earth. Notice the shape of the storm? It's a fucking HEXAGON! Plain as day, right there... how weird is that? Apparently, in an attempt to explain this bizarre occurrence, some scientists took buckets of water and spun them fast, so that the water clung to the sides of the buckets by centrifugal force, and the air pocket in the middle formed geometric shapes as the bucket spun. Triangle, square, pentagon, and finally hexagon... creepy, neh?

And listen to it, too! This is actually a clip of radio signals from Saturn. Sounds like something out of a horror movie! My apologies if you've seen or heard these before, but they were just too damned cool to not publicize!

"Bow your heads and pretend to be serious." + Movie Review: Pan's Labyrinth

Thu, 01 Feb 2007 15:32:27 GMT

This is rumor control; here are the facts!

After a seriously stressful work day yesterday, imagine my surprise when I turn on the news to discover what, at first, seemed to be a bomb scare in Boston. When I saw the 'bombs' that the police were carefully defusing, a smile crept onto my face. The face of evil (or at least rampant mischief) itself, the idiotic Ignignokt, the leader of the Mooninites from the Adult Swim show Aqua Teen Hunger Force, beckoned to me in Lite-Brite form, his middle finger outstretched. I could almost hear his mocking, imperious tone as he flipped the bird: "I'm doing it as hard as I can".

The very thought of a major city being nearly shut down by a cartoon character, especially one whose express desire is to make humans bow down before his 'superior intellect', made me giggle, a little. I can easily understand how something like this could be blown out of proportion, especially in a post-9/11 world, but the response just seems to me as just a little bit of overreaction, especially after the nature of the 'devices' was made perfectly clear. Trying to prosecute the company that produces the cartoon seems, to me, an attempt to wipe a little egg off of the Boston PD's face, especially after the revelation that the devices had been up for almost two weeks, with many other devices in 9 other citites across the country, all designed to promote both the TV show and the upcoming movie, Aqua Teen Hunger Force Colon Movie Film For Theaters. At any rate, the story itself amused me, which definitely went a long way towards bringing my spirits up after a shitty workday yesterday.

Pan's Labyrinth (2006), Rated R
DIrected by Guillermo del Toro
Starring: Ivana Baquero, Doug Jones

**** out of ****

I've been a fan of Mexican director Guillermo del Toro ever since I saw his first American film, the sci-fi/horror/thriller Mimic. After I saw it, I was intrigued. I loved his sense of style, his imagery, and especially his willingness to show some pretty fucked-up shit in order to enhance the movie. I can still remember seeing Mimic in the theater. In an early sequence, two kids descend into the tunnels beneath the New York subway system, are confronted by the vicious creatures dwelling there, and are killed. Most movies would have had the kids survive; del Toro killed them off. I could hear the entire audience gasp, as if they were saying 'how dare he?' I, on the other hand, was on the edge of my seat; if he was willing to have children die (usually a movie paux fas), and in such a gruesome and disturbing way, what else was he willing to do? It added a hell of a lot of suspense to the subplot of a semi-autistic boy who ends up in the clutches of the creatures, and to the main plot as the characters end up trapped.   Unfortunately, the movie was marred by a substandard ending (one of the many reasons he saw fit to nearly disown the movie) and some truly insipid moments. He states that the studio, Miramax, tried to substantially alter his original film, and did so (the new, Michael Bay-ish ending being one of the major changes).

After I saw Mimic, I went to the video store and rented his first available feature, the horror film Cronos. Cronos is an interesting variation on the vampire theme, and starred an actor who would show up in many of del Toro's movies from then on: Ron Perlman. Del Toro went on to make the ghost story The Devil's Backbone and the superior comic book films Blade II and Hellboy. When I heard he had a new movie out, I just had to see it. I'm glad to say, Pan's Labyrinth falls squarely into his successful track record.

The movie is about an 11 year old girl, Ofelia (Baquero), living in Spain in 1944. Her widowed, pregnant mother Carmen (Ariadna Gil) has just remarried, to the sadistic Captain Vidal (the excellently cold and creepy Sergi Lopez). World War II is drawing to a close, and the forces of Franco have achieved victory. Captain Vidal commands his unit from a remote mountain house, presided over by Mercedes (Maribel Verdu) , bringing Ofelia and Carmen to stay with him while he tries to rout the rebels living in the hills. Ofelia is an imaginative child, reading books about fairies and mythology. She thinks she sees a fairy (disguised as an insect) on the way to the house, and soon is up to her neck in hidden labyrinths, secret doors, fairies, and a friendly, yet somewhat sinister faun (Jones) who tells her her true nature. Meanwhile, as Captain Vidal searches for the rebels, he finds out that someone within the household is supplying the rebels with food, medicine and information.

I went to a late showing of this movie, starting at 10:15pm on a Saturday night. Even then, the theater was packed. There was a lot if interest in it, even if the projectionist fucked up and cut off the top and bottom of the screen. Thank God we could still read the subtitles; it's in Spanish, and subtitles are pretty much necessary to figure out what the hell is going on. At any rate, the visuals are stunning, as would be expected from del Toro. The characterizations are sharp, and even minor roles are filled out with thought and skill (I loved the stuttering rebel who struggles through reading a newspaper account of the D-Day invasion).   Ivana Baquero is absolutely amazing as Ofelia; even without subtitles, you can read what she's thinking just by looking at her face. Captain Vidal performs the most horrifying tortures and murders without changing his expression, and is obsessed with order, both in himself and in his family and subordinates.   Unlike many movies, this one knows when to utilize special effects and when not to. There are a staggering number of effects on display, but all of them are in greater service to the story, and none seem tacked on or unnecessary.

I would recommend this movie to anyone who likes movies like Labyrinth, but be warned. There is a shocking amount of violence in Pan's Labyrinth, most of it of the human-on-human variety. There's a scene late in the movie that was, to me, reminiscent of Roman Polanski's assault on Jack Nicholson in the great film Chinatown, but this one was even more disturbing (and the victim's actions after the assault are profoundly creepy).   It also shows the much-forgotten dark side of fairytales, so if you're thinking about bringing children, you might want to check it out yourself first. As del Toro himself says, it's a "fairytale for adults". In any case, go see it as soon as you can. I can't praise it highly enough.

24's Here! Woo-Hoo!

Tue, 16 Jan 2007 15:56:02 GMT

So, I finally got to see the big 6th season, 4 hour, 2-day premiere of my favorite TV show, Fox's white-knuckle action/thriller 24.   For those not in the know, 24 follows the (often gruesome) exploits of CTU (Counter Terrorist Unit) agent Jack Bauer (played to perfection by Kiefer Sutherland) to avert and/or avenge various terrorist attacks on United States soil.   It also details the personal and psychological crises he faces over the course of each season. One notable feature of the show is the format. Each season presents one day in Jack's life, while each hour of the show ostensibly covers an hour of 'real time'. Now, it doesn't translate into day after day (Season 2 was 18 months after Season 1, while Season 3 was 3 years after Season 2, and so on), but the serial format (Stephen King called it "TV's first uberseries", in which each 24 episode season serves as a macro-episode in Jack's life) lends it a certain power, especially when watched on DVD. Recently, Best Buy had a sale on the DVD sets of all five seasons; I managed to pick up 2, 3, and 4 (I already had season 1, and they sold out of the now-classic Season 5 inside of a day).   Jack has lost friends, family,and coworkers over the years, a tradition firmly established in the chilling final moments of Season 1 in which he discovers the lifeless corpse of his wife, shot by superspy/former lover and coworker Nina Myers.

Anyway, Season 5 ended on a cliffhanger, as Jack finally brought down the corrupt administration of the slimy President Logan (played to chilling, chameleonlike perfection by Gregory Itzin), only to be abducted by a Chinese special-ops team in retribution for a botched abduction two seasons before, in which a Chinese diplomat and several guards were killed.   Season 6 begins with a series of suicide bombings in major cities across America. The terrorists state that they will give up the location of the mastermind, except that they want Jack Bauer.   So, Jack is exchanged "at great cost", and told that he needs to die. At this point, with almost two years of torture, Jack is a battered, scarred, broken shell of a man, ready to die if necessary. But, as usual with 24, things aren't quite as cut and dried as they seem...

I sat on my roommate's sofa, watching the episodes, eyes wide and jaw dropped, as Jack, his skills rusty from disuse, slowly comes back to something resembling his former badass self (LOVED his 'vampire kill' while bound to a chair!).   And at the end of the second night, two shocks, played it in quick succession, left me absolutely speechless for about ten minutes. Only four hours in, and this show already has more thrills, shocks, twists, and turns than the average full season of any other show.

One of my favorite sites is the Bauer Kill Count website (www.bauercount.com), which obsessively details each of Jack's kills by season, by character, by time, and by weapon.   It's absolutely hilarious and anal-retentive, as fans battle on the message boards if certain kills should be counted or not, and who certian kills should be attributed to. It's a funny and well-organized tribute to one of the better shows on TV.

Just for information, here is my list of favorite TV shows, ones that are still current (even if they may be on hiatus):

24
Heroes
House, M.D.
Lost
Supernatural
Battlestar Galactica
Law and Order
Stargate SG-1
The Wire (absolutely the BEST show on TV, possibly ever.)

Back In The Saddle Again + Movie Review" Crank

Sat, 13 Jan 2007 06:57:27 GMT

Well, this past Sunday, our gaming group got back to gaming for the first time in, oh, I don't know, forever. Ever since a nasty breakup between players broke our gaming group up, we've kind of limped along, not doing much of anything. We got back to our long-forgotten Star Wars game this week, with our heroes having been left on Tatooine with a ship that slightly resembled a pan of Jiffy Pop (it had to do with a proton torpedo going off INSIDE the cargo bay--don't ask!) Anyway, things were slow going at first, but as we went on, I started to get back into the swing of things again. Womp rats, encounters with greedy Rodian shipdealers, plus an audience with the great and mighty Jabba... for a while, I'd forgotten how fun it was to be a GM.

We had a smaller assortment of players than I like, but that couldn't be helped. As Redskins fans are getting used to saying, "this is a rebuilding season!"

Crank (2006)

Action/Thriller/Comedy
Starring Jason Statham, Amy Smart

*** out of ****

Crank is an action movie on, well, crank. It gets out of the gate running and doesn't let up until the end credits roll. A lot of movies can make that claim, but Crank is the real deal. Amazing stunts and action scenes combine with sometimes brutal comedy to make a damned entertaining movie.

The improbably named Chev Chelios (Statham) is a hitman, an assassin for an L.A. crimelord. After what is apparently a job gone wrong, Chelios wakes up one morning with a hell of a hangover and a video message waiting for him on his big-screen plasma TV. It seems one of his rivals has injected him with something called a "Beijing cocktail", a mixture of drugs that slowly kills the user by shutting off his adrenaline. Chelios has less than an hour to live, he's told. He decides to make good use of that time, to make sure his killer (and his associates) die before he does, and to make sure his severely ditzy girlfriend (Smart) is safe.

That being said, Chelios quickly yet accidentally discovers that anything that boosts his adrenaline, from fear to anger to lust to various drugs, prolongs his life by a little more. This begins a brutally hilarious series of vignettes as Chelios tries to amp up his adrenaline and survive a little longer, if only to make sure his rival ends up in a bodybag. The director/writers, one an ex-stuntman and the other a former visual effects artist, manage to make excellent use of both their time and of the camera, finding all sorts of weird angles, filters, camera speeds, and more to indicate Chev's condition. They also make good use of not only the thrilling action potential of such a situation, but also the comedic possibilities (such as when Chev knocks over a small convenience store, taking only a bagfull of energy drinks and powders, and decides, as he's walking out the door, to grab a small bouquet of flowers for his girlfriend).

The casting is inspired, for the most part, especially country singer Dwight Yoakam as Chev's laid-back, vacationing doctor, who has to explain things to Chev over the phone, and Napoleon Dynamite's Pedro, Efren Ramirez, as Chev's loyal, yet goofily dimwitted transvestite sidekick, Kaylo. Plus, any movie that begins with the opening chords of Quiet Riot's Metal Health has to be worth something. In short, Crank's a fun, fresh action flick, with a healthy dose of comedy to lighten things up in what is essentially a modern-day retelling of the classic film noir D.O.A. Check it out.

Geeking Out for Civil War (Spoilers ahead, if you haven't read any Civil War titles)

Fri, 05 Jan 2007 18:03:48 GMT

I am a geek.

That should be obvious to anyone who knows me, and even to many who don't given my topics for posting.  This one in particular may only resonate with a small part of the geek community, specifically comic book fans.

Anyway, I've always been a huge Marvel Comics fan. I've specifically been an Iron Man fan. Chalk it up to my love of technology and powersuits, but I always liked the character. It didn't hurt that he was rich, popular, smart, charismatic, and a hit with the ladies (all of these being traits I myself wanted, and still want!)   He always seemed, to me, like Marvel's version of an even higher-tech Batman: he always had the right tool for the job, and he was always (ALMOST always) prepared for all sorts of outcomes to any situation.   Most people only know Iron Man as a drunk, but I always saw him as a man who tried desperately to overcome his personal demons, and who always put the safety and security of others before himself.

Recently, Stark's been involved in some questionable activities.   He was revealed (to readers, at least) as one of the Illuminati, a group of Marvel leaders who have been directly involved in major events for at least the last ten years, in-continuity. The group consisted of Stark, Namor, Black Bolt, Reed Richards, Doctor Strange, and Charles Xavier. The group decided to act only if a majority agreed upon their decisions. Their penultimate decision before dissolving involved the Hulk, whose latest rampage had killed over a hundred people.   They decided (with some against) that they would exile the Hulk to an abandoned planet where he couldn't hurt anyone, so they tricked him up into a satellite and shot him into space.

Now, fast-forward to Civil War.   This year, Marvel's big crossover event has a pretty good concept to it, but the execution has been more than a little slipshod. In case you have no idea what I'm talking about, the premise for Civil Ware has to do with a piece of legislation called the Super Human Registration Act (SHRA for short). It comes out of a catastrophic event, in which a chunk of the town of Stamford, Connecticut, was wiped off the map during a battle between some young heroes and some more experienced villains. 600 people died when a villain named Nitro detonated right by a school. The government, under pressure from lobbyists, parents' groups, and all sorts of other influences, introduces the Act.

The SHRA, in its basics, states that anyone with superhuman powers, or who wears a mask and fights crime, must register with the government, get some training, and be 'on call' at least part-time, to fight crime for the authorities.   A lot of heroes, though, don't like the idea of registering, seeing the whole thing as a slippery slope that might possibly lead to fascism. The pro-registration group is led by my boy, Iron Man, while those opposed to registration are led by Captain America.   Both sides try to be reasonable to begin with, then it starts to get worse, with hero fighting hero as the Act is established. Heroes captured by the pro-registration side are placed in a secretive prison in the Negative Zone.

My biggest problem thus far with the series has been with the characterization of the pro-registration faction in general, and Iron Man and Reed Richards in particular.   In the main Civil War book, and in the pages of Iron Man, both of them come off as reasonable men going to great lengths to do what they think is right (saving innocents). In many of the side books (particularly J. Michael Straczynski's Spider-Man and the parallel book Civil War: Frontline), Iron Man, in particular, is shown as a greedy, moneygrubbing would-be tyrant who's only doing this to get government contracts.   Reed and Tony built a cyborg clone of Thor to use 'shock and awe' against the other side (and the clonem, dubbed "Clor" by readers, ended up killing Goliath). The Negative Zone prison. Recruiting super-villains to hunt down rogue heroes.   Worst of all, it seems (he said sarcastically), he mamaged to convince Spider-Man to unmask himself on live TV, showing his secret ID to the world. The reader response has been particularly vicious, especially on the Marvel forums. Almost everyone is up in arms about the whole thing, with readers seemingly split fifty-fifty as to whether Iron Man should die a painful death or not.  It doesn't matter, it seems, that every time Tony's tried to be reasonable, he gets attacked. Literally.

It pains me because it seems that the readers were lied to.   Civil War was sold as a battle of ideas, with both sides being both right and wrong and neither side being willing to concede anything. Good concept, but the execution, while damned good at times, has had some seriously shitty characterization going on (I'm looking right at you, Straczynski and Paul Jenkins!) I don't know if this was planned, or if it was reader pressure, but the last few Civil War tie-ins have been a little more fair in their outlooks (Iron Man/Captain America: Casualties of War and Iron Man #13-14 have been excellent in showing why Tony's doing what he does).     I'm just hoping that, as Civil War winds to a close, there are enough remnants of the friendship between Iron Man and Cap to repair the rift.

[sarcasm] Wow. I did NOT see that coming. [/sarcasm]

Fri, 29 Dec 2006 20:13:53 GMT

The Movie Of Your Life Is A Black Comedy

In your life, things are so twisted that you just have to laugh.
You may end up insane, but you'll have fun on the way to the asylum.

Your best movie matches: Being John Malkovich, The Royal Tenenbaums, American Psycho

<div

Fri, 29 Dec 2006 17:15:44 GMT

Heh. Clipped from tth.

My Peculiar Aristocratic Title is:
Milord Earl Christopher the Harmonious of Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch
Get your Peculiar Aristocratic Title

My Peculiar Aristocratic Title is:
His Exalted Highness Duke Chris the Incontrovertible of Much Leering
Get your Peculiar Aristocratic Title

Heh.